The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
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Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”