The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
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The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise