Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]

ME: *takes picture of my home screen*

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]

iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you

Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]

iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation