The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
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I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
#titanic
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996