The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
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Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I self medicate, therefore you live.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume