Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

My daughter was invited to a birthday party. We showed up, & the people who hosted the party weren’t even there. They cancelled the party, but didn’t notify anyone, so we all went back home. Hours later I text the family, “what time should I pick up my daughter from the party?”

Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!

– I’ll have two then please.

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*