Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.

Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want