The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.
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*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
me 2 months after i graduated
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Tuesday
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.