The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
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I think this cat is broken
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree