The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
You Might Also Like
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
My biological clock is wheezing.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends