The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
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The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
opening a flower shop called women in stem
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299