The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
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Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Body by sandwich.
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I feel this so hard
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need