The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
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DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
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Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.