@Terdoh

The Snooze Button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination.

You Might Also Like

@DustinSiskey

One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, “YOU’RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!”

Best.Insult.Ever.

@jonnysun

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

@schlimp

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

@KevinHart4real

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

@david8hughes

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

@Phook75

“Nobody wants to hear about pooping”
Actually Mom, I think you’ll find that there’s an entire social network dedicated to proving you wrong.

@AnOrangeSNES

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

@SadPeruna

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

@fro_vo

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*