The Snooze Button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination.

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One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, “YOU’RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!”



if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown


*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*


Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined


[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”


“Nobody wants to hear about pooping”
Actually Mom, I think you’ll find that there’s an entire social network dedicated to proving you wrong.


If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.


Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.


[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*