Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.

whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..