The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
WHY?!
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.