The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
You Might Also Like
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
shit, they caught us—run!!!
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.