The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
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F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
and now we wait
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.