The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
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God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat