The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
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Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Overindulged this afternoon.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Good advice.
pls suprot
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
My dog ate my work from home.