The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
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Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek