Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight