The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
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Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
🔦🌙👣
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”