Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

I’M CRYINGGG

felt that

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: Answering stupid questions.

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?