The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
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It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
#NeverForget
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Wait a minute
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.