the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
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Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
*Inspirational Tweets*
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”