the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
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Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”