the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
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A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub