The song “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from Mulan just hits different when Dr. Frankenstein sings it.
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imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.