The song “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from Mulan just hits different when Dr. Frankenstein sings it.
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“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
i don’t miss calls i stare at them