the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
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You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Good morning
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second