Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

So Hamburger help me, God

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.

~me, every time my alarm goes off

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.