Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

I support this random dude and all his protests

[2am]

wife: where in the hell have you been

me: well the boys and i were at the club-

my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*

me: leonard my god no not right now

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.

No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

mathematically impossible

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

Wife: Give me $50

Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy

W: Eh?

M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers

W: IDIOT

M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!

W: I despise you

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”