Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
The sonogram of your baby looks awesome!* So clear!** And he looks happy!***
**Is it a human?
***I think you’re having a racoon
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If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
The rest of these people must be totally shitfaced.
-me, driving in England
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.