@Papa_Mex

The sonogram of your baby looks awesome!* So clear!** And he looks happy!***

*Creepy
**Is it a human?
***I think you’re having a racoon

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@_steamy_mac

You are my sunshine.

In the sense that long term exposure to you is slowly killing me.

@Divergentmama

Me: maybe I should turn on the news

[17 seconds later]

Me: yeah, this grout in the bathroom really needs to be cleaned

@slimmy_shady

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

@ClamDive

Every episode of my life starts with a short recap and the voice over says “Previously on wasted potential…”

@Sarcasticsapien

Interviewer: Where were you born?
Me: Missouri.
I: What state are you in now?
M: Apathy.
I: That’s not what I meant.
M: I don’t care.

@SadieSkyNinja

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

@man_spach

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

@TheBoydP

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

@croninwhocares

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)