[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
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You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*