@Papa_Mex

The sonogram of your baby looks awesome!* So clear!** And he looks happy!***

*Creepy
**Is it a human?
***I think you’re having a racoon

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@RedRegenerated

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

@Jade_VK

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

@Vodkantots

The rest of these people must be totally shitfaced.

-me, driving in England

@Marcmywords2

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

@DirtMcTurd

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

@jovialjennay

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

@brennadine

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

@sheseemslegit

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

@Reel2Dialog2

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.