You are my sunshine.
In the sense that long term exposure to you is slowly killing me.
The sonogram of your baby looks awesome!* So clear!** And he looks happy!***
**Is it a human?
***I think you’re having a racoon
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Me: maybe I should turn on the news
[17 seconds later]
Me: yeah, this grout in the bathroom really needs to be cleaned
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Every episode of my life starts with a short recap and the voice over says “Previously on wasted potential…”
Interviewer: Where were you born?
I: What state are you in now?
I: That’s not what I meant.
M: I don’t care.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)