The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
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Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
The most accurate map ever devised.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.