Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn