Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

Air pods looking like an angry frog

[varnishing an old rocker]

keith richards: what the hell man