Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.