Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …