Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body

On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.