The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
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At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
happy halloween
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
