Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

mom gave me mine for free

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.

Family: Puts on last night’s movie.

Me: Falls asleep.

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

mom had nothing to worry about

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.