Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever

LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?

WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes

LAWYER:

WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy

LAWYER: …I have concerns

I’ve been thinking a lot about my drinking, and it’s time that I put down the bottle. Mom says I’m ready for a sippy cup now.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”