Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

hmmmmmm

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.