The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
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{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
barbara was highly relatable
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now