Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.