The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
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Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3