Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper