The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
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i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.