The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
You Might Also Like
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*