Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.

Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.