The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
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My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
How your email finds me
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night