The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
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Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier