The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
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Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
You saw nothing. I am ham.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it