The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
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“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
My guardian angel deserves a raise
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
5 ways to appear taller
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.