I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
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*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Body by cheese-puffs.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.