The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
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Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
When you’ve simply given up.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?