The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
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So Hamburger help me, God
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.