Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol

WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!

ME: you want a sugar cube?

FAMINE:… Yes

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…