The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
