Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

I ain’t wearing no wire

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

*wraps present*

Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.

[20 minutes later]

Shit.

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what’s the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

*at dinner table*

Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’

Her:

Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING