The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
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Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
pictures of spider-man
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa