The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
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i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.