The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
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It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
And now we wait
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
Hamburger Hinderer.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat