The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
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Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
If only
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”