Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*

Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!

My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

Oceanography is all about current events

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong