Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Ooops wrong house😂😜

This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie