the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
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where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Why is no one talking about this?!
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.