Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”

*if vodka could talk

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.

Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

The day after Christmas is wild.

I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.