The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
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You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Breaking news:
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
The Weeknd is back
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.