The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

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me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm


“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”


6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.


A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa


Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”


If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest damnit! KNEES TO CHEST


My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.


Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars


This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen


My nephew told me all he wants for Christmas is his dead dog back. Can’t WAIT to see his face when I wrap it up and stick it under the tree.