@JimmerThatisAll
@_ElvishPresley_
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
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@_ElvishPresley_
@Darlainky
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
@ColoChiver
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.
@casual_koala
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
@_youhadonejob1
Commas. Use them.
@dumbbeezie
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
@subtweetopath
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
@mbnels
Tech guy says: “When in doubt reboot. ” Okay, I’ve rebooted but i still don’t see how my boots have ANYTHING to do with a computer.
@eedrk
doctor: you know how to measure your bowel movements
me: yeah of course
doctor: you weigh yourself before and after
me: [15 Sec pause] yeah
@annievictorias
Jennifer Aniston is one divorce away from being Ross