The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
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Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies